Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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