they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
