dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
