Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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