I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
