I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
