Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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