His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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