I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
not ubering you a puppy
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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