he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
