I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
