Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am one with the molecules
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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