Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
God, I missed his penis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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