Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
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better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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