News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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