I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
