I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
