Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
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I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.