So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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