We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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