I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
