Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
