Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
