I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
