Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
