I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You pole danced in your parka.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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