My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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