between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
