It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
