Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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