How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
