Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
