He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
