I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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