Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
