bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
