Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
