if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
