So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
