I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
