I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
