Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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