If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
