Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
