I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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