It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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