I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
