this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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