I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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