I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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