I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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