Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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